Thursday, February 3, 2011

What I will say because I can't say all I need to say

I have been in a funk for a few months, and half of me knows exactly why.

(Fear. The kind that wakes me up at night...listening, wondering.  The kind that stops me in a cold sweat while I thought I was thinking about something else.)

The other half of me keeps saying that my fears are irrational, or just excuses to worry.

But wouldn't you be afraid, too, if your mother's mother and sister both died of breast cancer within ten years of each other?  And then just when life seemed to be moving beyond the aching pain of your loved ones' deaths, your mother's father was diagnosed with liver and lung cancer?  And then your mother's aunt was diagnosed with cancer only a few weeks later?

And what if my fear is not cancer itself?  What if my fear is not being able to help my mom through her fear? Her own pain?  Her own questions of when her father, my grandfather, will die?

4 comments:

Trish said...

I don't have much to add Karen Beth, except I'm thinking about you.

My aunt was just diagnosed with agressive breast cancer so I can understand your concern and fears. She's in her early 50s--too young to be battling something like this!

Hugs to you, my dear.

Sharone said...

I'm so sorry, KB. I know that feeling of stalking fear, and how paralyzing it can be. I'm praying for you and your family.

MamaErin said...

My heart goes out to you, Karen :( My grandma passed away from ovarian cancer three years ago, and my grandfather (her husband) has been battling two different kinds of blood cancer for the past eight years. Cancer is an absolutely disgusting disease and so painful to watch your loved ones go through. Your family is in my prayers!

Rita Meggers said...

Poor dear Karen. I want you to know that many times death and fatal sickness comes when it could have been usurped by a knowledge that we have choices over how our cells reproduce and develop.

I can't pretend to understand what you're going through, as I have never had a family member that fought a long, hard illness. I can only speak from my own experience from dealing with a would-be fatal and highly degenerative disease. If you understand the process of cell health and peaceful living at a young age, you will not be likely to fall prey to this. More importantly, if you understand the power of guts, will power and pure nerve, you will get how readily available healing is to those who fight for it.

As for helping your mom, I don't have anything to say about that. But I will say this. You are fortunate enough to have a mother who cares about her family members and has a real heart for loved ones and community and fellowship and healing relationships. There are those of us, like me, who (though we may NOT quite be outright green with envy) can only sit back at a distance and smile at your seemingly golden life. We know it's not as rosy as it seems to us, but we'd all kill for a mother like that.