Thursday, February 3, 2011

What I will say because I can't say all I need to say

I have been in a funk for a few months, and half of me knows exactly why.

(Fear. The kind that wakes me up at night...listening, wondering.  The kind that stops me in a cold sweat while I thought I was thinking about something else.)

The other half of me keeps saying that my fears are irrational, or just excuses to worry.

But wouldn't you be afraid, too, if your mother's mother and sister both died of breast cancer within ten years of each other?  And then just when life seemed to be moving beyond the aching pain of your loved ones' deaths, your mother's father was diagnosed with liver and lung cancer?  And then your mother's aunt was diagnosed with cancer only a few weeks later?

And what if my fear is not cancer itself?  What if my fear is not being able to help my mom through her fear? Her own pain?  Her own questions of when her father, my grandfather, will die?